edelweiss pirate

i miss the truck. I miss it rumbling to life and being a good owner and letting it roam into its natural habitat of sand, air, dirt and wind. i miss the exposure of lying in the bed, watching my breath play out in frigid puffs and wondering if I’ll sleep when it’s so damn cold. i miss creaking awake against the morning chill and, once all is packed up in military fashion, pointing that truck towards the next mountain, the next impossibly large landscape and letting it all happen, instead of trying to make my idea happen first. I miss the ugly honesty of me unconnected, unadorned, unheard, and knowing what I love. I miss the stars. 

and yet despite missing it all i’ve enjoyed this as well: working again, hello old brain, being around people, running off to buy shiny black leggings for tonight’s party, nails a slick “let’s make trouble” red. I wonder how long I can sustain having both and I (think I) know that this all is very limited. 

I know this all sounds terribly esoteric and a bit hippy fluffy and is easy for hipsters on their bikes in their dive bars over $3 PBR’s while wrapped in unique uniform garb to snicker at because they saw Europe one summer with a Eurorail pass. I get it. I once was you as well. I remember embracing the fight in a vain attempt to find my place. those years were fun, but thankfully limited.